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by Ibrahim on 08 December 2009 - 19:12
A man visits God and says "God, do you mind if I ask you a
few questions?" God says "No, ask me anything at all."
So the man says "God, you've been around for a very long time,
so, for you, how long is a thousand years?"
God replies "For me, a thousand years is only five minutes."
The man then says "That's interesting God. And, for you,
how much is a million dollars?"
God replies "For me, a million dollars is only five cents."
The man says "Really? Well then God, could you lend me
five cents please?"
God looks at the man, smiles, and says "Of course my son.
Just wait five minutes!"
few questions?" God says "No, ask me anything at all."
So the man says "God, you've been around for a very long time,
so, for you, how long is a thousand years?"
God replies "For me, a thousand years is only five minutes."
The man then says "That's interesting God. And, for you,
how much is a million dollars?"
God replies "For me, a million dollars is only five cents."
The man says "Really? Well then God, could you lend me
five cents please?"
God looks at the man, smiles, and says "Of course my son.
Just wait five minutes!"
by Ibrahim on 08 December 2009 - 19:12
Long grass
One afternoon a wealthy laywer was sitting in the back of his ,
limousine being driven to work, when he saw two men eating grass
by the side of the road.
He ordered his driver to stop, and then he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked the men.
"Sir, we don't have any money for food," one of the men replied.
"Come along with me," instructed the lawyer.
The first man said, "But sir, I have a wife and two children. They
are also hungry."
"Bring them along too," replied the lawyer.
The second man said, "Sir, I have a wife and six children. Can they
come as well, please?"
"No problem, bring them as well," answered the lawyer as he climbed
back into his limo.
Finally, they were all in the limo - the lawyer, the two men, their
two wives and eight children.
One of the men said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all
of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "No problem, there will be plenty to eat at my home.
The grass is almost half a metre tall."
One afternoon a wealthy laywer was sitting in the back of his ,
limousine being driven to work, when he saw two men eating grass
by the side of the road.
He ordered his driver to stop, and then he got out to investigate.
"Why are you eating grass?" he asked the men.
"Sir, we don't have any money for food," one of the men replied.
"Come along with me," instructed the lawyer.
The first man said, "But sir, I have a wife and two children. They
are also hungry."
"Bring them along too," replied the lawyer.
The second man said, "Sir, I have a wife and six children. Can they
come as well, please?"
"No problem, bring them as well," answered the lawyer as he climbed
back into his limo.
Finally, they were all in the limo - the lawyer, the two men, their
two wives and eight children.
One of the men said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all
of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "No problem, there will be plenty to eat at my home.
The grass is almost half a metre tall."
by Ibrahim on 08 December 2009 - 19:12
Worms
It was the first day of Biology for a group of teenagers. The
professor had arranged a short demonstration for the class.
He took a worm and dropped it into a glass of water. The worm
wriggled about in the water.
Then he took a second worm and dropped it into a glass of alcohol.
The worm immediately died.
The professor asked the students if anyone knew what the point of
the demonstration was.
A boy raised his hand and said, "You're showing us that if we drink
alcohol, we won't have worms."
It was the first day of Biology for a group of teenagers. The
professor had arranged a short demonstration for the class.
He took a worm and dropped it into a glass of water. The worm
wriggled about in the water.
Then he took a second worm and dropped it into a glass of alcohol.
The worm immediately died.
The professor asked the students if anyone knew what the point of
the demonstration was.
A boy raised his hand and said, "You're showing us that if we drink
alcohol, we won't have worms."
by Ibrahim on 08 December 2009 - 19:12
Dear Susan
A man is in jail for robbing 27 banks. One day
he receives a letter from his wife. It says...
Dear Peter
As you are in jail I will have to plant the
potatoes in the garden myself.
When is the best time to plant them?
Love
Susan
He sends her the following reply...
Dear Susan
Do not plant the potatoes in the garden as
that is where I have hidden all the money
from the bank robberies.
Love
Peter
A few days later he receives another letter...
Dear Peter
It's terrible. Yesterday twenty policemen
came to the house and dug up the whole
garden, but they didn't find anything.
Love Susan
He sends her the following reply...
Dear Susan
Now is the best time to plant the potatoes!
Love
Peter
A man is in jail for robbing 27 banks. One day
he receives a letter from his wife. It says...
Dear Peter
As you are in jail I will have to plant the
potatoes in the garden myself.
When is the best time to plant them?
Love
Susan
He sends her the following reply...
Dear Susan
Do not plant the potatoes in the garden as
that is where I have hidden all the money
from the bank robberies.
Love
Peter
A few days later he receives another letter...
Dear Peter
It's terrible. Yesterday twenty policemen
came to the house and dug up the whole
garden, but they didn't find anything.
Love Susan
He sends her the following reply...
Dear Susan
Now is the best time to plant the potatoes!
Love
Peter
by Ibrahim on 08 December 2009 - 19:12
River
A man was walking along a river bank (the land at the side of a river
is called a bank) when he saw a man walking along the opposite bank.
He called across, "Hey, how do I get to the other side of the river?"
The other man looked confused and shouted back, "You're on the other
side of the river already."
A man was walking along a river bank (the land at the side of a river
is called a bank) when he saw a man walking along the opposite bank.
He called across, "Hey, how do I get to the other side of the river?"
The other man looked confused and shouted back, "You're on the other
side of the river already."
by Ibrahim on 08 December 2009 - 19:12
Best worker
Two workers meet one day in the canteen at work. One says to the
other, "Have you heard the news? The Managing Director of the
company died at the weekend."
The other replies, "Yes, I know. But I want to know who died with him."
"What do you mean, 'who died with him'?" asks the first.
"Well, in the paper it said that 'with him died one of the company's
best workers', and I want to know who it was."
Two workers meet one day in the canteen at work. One says to the
other, "Have you heard the news? The Managing Director of the
company died at the weekend."
The other replies, "Yes, I know. But I want to know who died with him."
"What do you mean, 'who died with him'?" asks the first.
"Well, in the paper it said that 'with him died one of the company's
best workers', and I want to know who it was."
by Ibrahim on 08 December 2009 - 19:12
Magic
While on holiday in Las Vegas a couple went to see a magic show.
After one of the tricks the woman shouted out, "How did you do that?"
The magician replied, "I could tell you, madam, but if I did then
I would have to kill you."
The woman thought for a few seconds and then shouted back, "Okay,
then tell my husband how you did it."
While on holiday in Las Vegas a couple went to see a magic show.
After one of the tricks the woman shouted out, "How did you do that?"
The magician replied, "I could tell you, madam, but if I did then
I would have to kill you."
The woman thought for a few seconds and then shouted back, "Okay,
then tell my husband how you did it."
by Kaffirdog on 08 December 2009 - 19:12
5 kids?
(((RING))))
>> > > >
>> > > > **Pick Up** "Hello?"
>> > > >
>> > > > "Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"
>> > > >
>> > > > "No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank"
>> > > >
>> > > > After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Frank"
>> > > >
>> > > > "Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."
>> > > >
>> > > > Brief Pause
>> > > >
>> > > > "Uh, okay then, ...this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
>> > > >
>> > > > "Okay Daddy, just a minute"
>> > > >
>> > > > A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
>> > > >
>> > > > "I did it Daddy"
>> > > >
>> > > > "And what happened honey?" he asked
>> > > >
>> > > > "Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
>> > > >
>> > > > "Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Frank?"
>> > > >
>> > > >"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it, he hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"
>> > > >
>> > > > ***Long Pause***
>> > > >
>> > > > ***Longer Pause***
>> > > >
>> > > > Then Daddy says,
>> > > >
>> > > > "Swimming pool??...Is this 555-7039??
Margaret N-J
(((RING))))
>> > > >
>> > > > **Pick Up** "Hello?"
>> > > >
>> > > > "Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"
>> > > >
>> > > > "No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank"
>> > > >
>> > > > After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Frank"
>> > > >
>> > > > "Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."
>> > > >
>> > > > Brief Pause
>> > > >
>> > > > "Uh, okay then, ...this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
>> > > >
>> > > > "Okay Daddy, just a minute"
>> > > >
>> > > > A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
>> > > >
>> > > > "I did it Daddy"
>> > > >
>> > > > "And what happened honey?" he asked
>> > > >
>> > > > "Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
>> > > >
>> > > > "Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Frank?"
>> > > >
>> > > >"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it, he hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead"
>> > > >
>> > > > ***Long Pause***
>> > > >
>> > > > ***Longer Pause***
>> > > >
>> > > > Then Daddy says,
>> > > >
>> > > > "Swimming pool??...Is this 555-7039??
Margaret N-J
by Kaffirdog on 08 December 2009 - 19:12
A guy is in line at WalMart when he notices that the rather good looking
blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.
He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and
although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says
"Sorry, do I know you?"
She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one
of my children!"
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been
unfaithful, "Christ!" he says "Are you that stripogram woman from stag night
that I shagged on the poker table in front of all my friends while your
girlfriend whipped me with some wet celery and put a cucumber up my ass?"
"No" she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher"
blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.
He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and
although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says
"Sorry, do I know you?"
She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one
of my children!"
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been
unfaithful, "Christ!" he says "Are you that stripogram woman from stag night
that I shagged on the poker table in front of all my friends while your
girlfriend whipped me with some wet celery and put a cucumber up my ass?"
"No" she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher"
by Ibrahim on 08 December 2009 - 19:12
Bea uti ful
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