I'm Bored - Anyone got any funny stories to tell? - Page 4

This is a true story of a Garage Owner in the Southwest. (New Mexico)


He was sick and tired of thugs breaking into his garage shop to steal tools etc. So he came up with this idea. He put the word out that he had a new Mexican Lion that would attack anyone that would break in or climb his fence. Would be thieves saw the "Lion" from a distance and fled the scene.





I'll give you 5 minutes to stop laughing

Better make a contribution to my own thread.


Some diabolical office pranks for you
to enjoy.

~Go into MS Word or similar program on co-worker's computer, and add an
entry to the AutoCorrect feature. This is a very simple prank that will
send the novice user into a frenzy. Configure the AutoCorrect option to
replace the word "the" with the phrase "you suck!" They will usually
panic and start scanning for viruses.

~Take clear tape and tape the underside of the mouse. Make sure you take
the sticky end of the tape and apply it to the bottom of the mouse so it
locks the ball in place. The victim will most likely check the
connections in the back, reinstall drivers, reboot, etc., before they
realize what has happened.

~Another gem is to do a "Print Screen" of the user's desktop, and then
paste the image from the clipboard to a photo program, and save the
image as a bitmap. Then, set the 'snapshot' of their desktop as the
actual desktop wallpaper. (You'll have to hide the Windows status bar,
and move all their desktop icons into a folder, which you can hide
conspicuously in the corner or something.) The user will see their
desktop as always, but everything on it will appear to be frozen when
they try to click on it...sending them into a rebooting and virus
scanning fit!

~This will mostly only work with people with very little PC knowledge.
Stick in a floppy in their floppy drive. They will be unable to boot up
windows until the disk is out. This is fun to watch.

~Try to find a very obnoxious CD laying around. Preferably a reggae or
rap CD. Pop it in their CD ROM. Put up the sound full blast by double
clicking on the volume control on the bottom right. On normal
configurations the audio CD will auto play when windows first starts up.
The person starting up there PC in the morning will definitely be
embarrassed.


Margaret N-J

And another that I can relate to, I used to be married to an engineer

> Understanding Engineers - Take One
> -------------------------------------------
> Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when
one
> said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer
replied,
> "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a
> beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off
all
> her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The second engineer nodded
> approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have
> fitted you anyway."
>
> Understanding Engineers - Take Two
> --------------------------------------------
> To the optimist, the glass is half full.
> To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
> To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
>
> Understanding Engineers - Take Three
> ---------------------------------------------
> A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
> particularly slow group of golfers.
> The engineer fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been
waiting
> for fifteen minutes!"
> The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept
golf!"
>
> The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with
> him." He said, "Hello, George! What's wrong with that group ahead of
us?
> They're rather slow, aren't they?"
> The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind
fire-fighters.
> They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so
we
> always let them play for free anytime."
> The group fell silent for a moment.
> The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer
for
> them tonight."
> The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist
> colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
> The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
>
> Understanding Engineers - Take Four
> --------------------------------------------
> What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil
engineers?
> Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.
>
> Understanding Engineers - Take Five
> --------------------------------------------
> The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
> The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
> The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
> The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
>
> Understanding Engineers - Take Six
> ------------------------------------------
> Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the
possible
> designers of the human body.
> One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
> Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system
has
> many thousands of electrical connections."
> The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer.
Who
> else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
&g

Kaffirdog,

I am a civil engineer, for God sake, you better stop at the sixth.

Ibrahim

Here is a little quiz my Engilish teacher (as a second language) asked us at school (long time ago):

How would you describe yourself:
If the first of first is first in you
the second of you is double in you
the first of last is last in you




with my apologies to the one who solves it
Ibrahim

Hi Ibrahim

I worked it out but not going to write it

Margaret N-J

Kaffirdog,

That is because you are opposite to what it is.

This English teacher (as a second language) was funny, eventhough he taught us English, he once printed this (not sure who composed it in the first place) on paper and distrubuted to all the students in the class:

 The English Language

Have you ever wondered why foreigners have trouble with the English Language?

Let's face it
English is a stupid language.
There is no egg in the eggplant
No ham in the hamburger
And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.
English muffins were not invented in England
French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted
But if we examine its paradoxes we find that
Quicksand takes you down slowly
Boxing rings are square
And a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

If writers write, how come fingers don't fing.
If the plural of tooth is teeth
Shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth
If the teacher taught,
Why didn't the preacher praught.

If a vegetarian eats vegetables
What the heck does a humanitarian eat!?
Why do people recite at a play
Yet play at a recital?
Park on driveways and
Drive on parkways

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy
Of a language where a house can burn up as
It burns down
And in which you fill in a form
By filling it out
And a bell is only heard once it goes!

English was invented by people, not computers
And it reflects the creativity of the human race
(Which of course isn't a race at all)

That is why
When the stars are out they are visible
But when the lights are out they are invisible
And why it is that when I wind up my watch
It starts
But when I wind up this observation,
It ends.

Anger Management

 For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day, and you just
need to take it out on someone--don't take it out on someone you know, take it
out on someone you don't know. For example......

 I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had
forgotten to make. I found the number, and dialed it. A man answered saying, "Hello?"
I politely said, "This is Fred Hanifin, could I please speak with Robin Carter?" Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number, and
called her. (I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number.)
> >
After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
 When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!"
and I hung up. I wrote his number down, with the word 'asshole' next to it,
and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up and yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.
 When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole'calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the caller ID program?" He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an
asshole!"
> >
So, one day I was at the grocery-store, getting ready to pull into a
 parking spot. Some kid in a black BMW cut me off, and pulled into the spot
 I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been
 waiting for the spot. The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale"
sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number.

 A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had
his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW asshole too.
 I dialled and someone said, "Hello?" I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?" "Yes it is."
> > "Can you tell me where I can see it?"
> > "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front."
> > "What's your name?" I asked.
> > "My name is Don Hansen,"he said.
> > "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
> > "I'm home every evening after five."
> > "Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
> > "Yes?"
> > "Don, you're an asshole!"

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when
I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. But after several months of
calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an
idea:
> I called Asshole #1:
> > "Hello. You're an asshole!" (but I didn't hang up).
> > "Are you still there?" he asked.
> > "Yeah," I said.
> > "Stop calling me," he screamed
> > "Make me," I said.
> > "Who are you?" he asked.
> > "My name is Don Hansen."
> > "Yeah? Where do you live?"
> > "Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house with my
black
> > Beemer parked in front.
> > "